Fear and struggle

I’ve rediscovered my purpose.

A few years ago that purpose was lost. I was lost.

Once I found it again, it hadn’t really changed but I have a better understanding now of how to vocalize it.

For too long I’ve been bound up scared to share my thoughts. Scared of what people would think. Am I right? Am I wrong? What if someone calls me out?

My realization: who the fuck cares? Yes I’m right mostly, and yes I’m wrong sometimes. The beauty of this world is that I’m allowed to be right and wrong and forgiven for being so. The pride of accepting when I’m wrong is another story, but still my choice to realize it. So why should I give a shit about what people think when I share my life’s work?

So here are my thoughts, here are my reasons, here’s my purpose…

5 years ago I was going through a divorce. On a side note, I can’t believe how fast five years has gone by. This was a dark time for me. I had so many different feelings and no real way to express them, or at least that’s what I thought.

I felt like a failure for allowing my marriage to end. I didn’t know what it meant to the future of the company (Grapevine CrossFit) that we had both owned. I didn’t know what my family would think.

There were times I would sit and just cry.

When I moved out, I remember walking through Walmart shopping for things for my new house and having to stop in the middle of an aisle to sit down because I was blubbering like a baby. A lady that walked down the aisle and asked if I was okay. I think I’ve only told a couple people that one…

The relationship lingered for too long after the divorce as well. She was a part of our business and with me being unsure of what the future would bring we didn’t really confront the truth of what needed to be done. I was a pussy, unwilling to take the action needed to move forward.

It was during this year that I wasn’t really present in the gym, which looking back almost cost me its future. I didn’t see this at the time as I was dealing with my pain and anger in the the ways I knew how.

One way I hid this pain was by drinking as heavily as possible. Heavy enough that it was starting to come into question with my closest friends (I found out after the fact). Heavy enough that the anger that would manifest itself after would end up costing me some relationships.

I was scared and I really didn’t know how to handle it.

It was in this dark time that I met Shelly. A ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day, as the bullshit cliche goes. There were struggles in the beginning of our relationship as there still are today, it’s just different now. I’m thankful she was willing to put up with me while I was finding a new path to walk.

Our relationship gave me something to cling to when things got tough.

Shortly after we met, my dad died. It was a rough couple of years.

His death opened my eyes as to what short amount of time we actually have on this Earth. It’s also part of the reason I’ve changed personally over the past few years. Couple that with a loving wife and a new baby and shit starts to get real.

These struggles physically changed me as a person, but only because I was willing to change. I’d spent too much time blaming, too much time not moving forward, and too much time feeling sorry for myself.

I was tired. Tired of my mind pushing me around and tired of life trying to dictate my next move.

This was a defining moment. Will I let these struggles hold me down or will I use them to make my life better? Struggle breeds greatness, but only if you know what to do with it. Which is why it’s taken me this long to realize what I’m supposed to be doing.

I know that I’m here to share the experiences I’ve had in my life. The people I’ve met, the relationships I’ve gained and lost, the struggles I’ve had personally and seen through others, how to overcome those struggles, and how to find your new path.

I’ve realized that not only am I a coach, but I’m also a teacher.

Looking back, I see now that the marriage that ended in divorce was built off a rocky foundation in the first place. It probably never should have happened, but the reality is that I wouldn’t be right here typing this today if it didn’t. It was tough at the time but well worth the payoff.

I’ve always felt that things happen for a reason but often wondered why they do in the manner that they do. It wasn’t until recently I discovered that not only is this true, but that things in your life happen FOR you and not necessarily TO you (Thanks Ed Mylett). The subtle difference will open your eyes to a world of difference in your perception of things.

My divorce happened for me so I could find my new way. So I could meet the love of my life. So I could have a family that I cherish.

My dad’s death happened for me at a time that was needed to set me straight.

The birth of my first son happened for me when it did to redirect the path I was on leading me to where I’m headed now.

So I’ll leave you with this thought…

Life’s too short to give a fuck about what others think. You’re life is here for YOU. If you’re struggling right now you have a decision to make. You can let the fear of changing take over and do nothing, or you can harness that struggle and get off your ass and do something with it.  I think you know which one is the right answer.

As for me…I’m just getting started.

 

2 thoughts on “Fear and struggle

  1. David Nichols

    Great words Brandon! I think we all struggle with these things and are afraid to be “the only one” going through stuff. Self discovery is a big step with a big ROI. I’ve enjoyed watching you grow over the past 11 years. I still remember you and I CrossFitting back at the HAC and everyone thinking we were dumb for doing it.

    Keep pressing, leading, teaching, and loving. You are great at those things.

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